If you feel like the world is on your shoulders...

To all of you who mean so much to me,

I've been trying to think of a way to put all my thoughts and emotions into words the last few hours, but I decided I am just going to write and let it go where it goes.

We all like to do everything for ourselves. We like to be independent. Do our own shopping , maintain our families. We cruise down the streets in the cars we bought ourselves, put forth a great effort to perform well at our job, find a new one, finish that degree we have been hacking away at in college, maintain that "comfortable" middle to upper class status we all want, and we also fit in church when we can, or some of us that are luckier even fit in a small group or bible study.

In a sea of "to-do's," "should-dos," and "would-do's," I can't help but notice most of these things all revolve around the same thing. ourselves. I'm guilty of it, we all are. Some more than others... but the truth is that on any given day there is a whole lot of time spent on bettering ourselves, and a whole lot less time spent on bettering the lives of those around us... Sometimes even forgetting to do those things for the ones that closest to us.

What's been on my mind lately is everything but me. Family. Friends. Poverty. Crime. ALL the things that could be improved upon in the community...in this world. On any given day I would say I have a pretty good grasp of these things. I try to help where I can, and keep everything at a healthy balance. However within the past month or so that has been anything but possible.

Some of you know, and others don't about the situation with my mother. She is suffering from Schizophrenia. My parents were divorced around my senior year of high school, and we now come to find out that the main reason behind that was her illness. That alone was a tough thing to swallow knowing had she not gotten the illness, they would probably still be together. They split up because she thought things that were not true about myself,about my father. Thinking we were stealing from her, etc. It wasn't on such an extreme level at the time, but it was enough to send my parents relationship into divorce.

For some time, there was a huge separation between myself and my parents, and also between myself and God. I was angry, upset, disappointed. I look back on those days and realize that ultimately I was upset for me. Why would God let this happen to me. To her? To my family? What were my friends going to think? How was I going to finish school? Where was I going to live? Who was I going to live with? Why was I going to have to move out of the only house I can remember growing up in?

As time went on, the distance grew between my mother and I. I longed for a better relationship with her, but I just couldn't find it in me to forgive her for "breaking apart our family." I told her I did, I told myself I did, but I simply had not. I didn't understand what was going on. The truth is I was angry at God, at the disease, at the situation. Not her. My mother was receiving, and still is receiving maintenance money from my father because of her "depression" (what they called it at the time of divorce) She was put on some depression medication, however we later found out she was taking one too many pills each time she was supposed to take her dosage. This made her very tired, and she seemed to be very out of it. Considering people suffering from scizophrenia already don't trust many people, it didn't take her long to decide medicine was not good for her,and after that refused to talk to a doctor or take medication.

It was at this time, that my fathers relationship with me started to grow. He started regularly going to Elmbrook, joined a few small groups, and I am so glad he did. God reached my father on some awesome levels during this time. I was so worried about my father and how he was going to get by later on in age with his hearing issues. God answered that by letting my dad find comfort in him. My dad took on the role of the mother and the father. We started going to church regularly, and I got connected into a group of people my age within the church. This was the starting point of making some definite positive steps in the right direction. I'm so thankful to have a strong group I can turn to in times like these.

At this point, the things I was frustrated with began to change, it was less self centered and more family centered. Still not solely God centered however. I was upset, but in a different way. I wanted my parents to be happy. I wanted my mom to be with someone that could make her happy. I wanted by dad to move on, and find someone to be with. Considering his hearing issues, I was mainly focused on the fact that he was definitely going to need someone around when he is older to help him with those issues. Being the only child, and located about an hour plus away from my mother and her side of the family, I found it very difficult to make trips out to see her while working full time and going to college full time. I will admit though, the times I did had, the easier solution was to not make the trip. I was shielding my own heart at the expense of hers. The distance grew between my mom and I, and she grew to have some resentment towards me because of it. It's now a process of making her understand that I truly do love her, and want to be around her as much as possible. I am my mother's world. My parent's world. So for me not to make that effort, and for my mother to be looking at it from the perspective of someone who is also not in the right state of mind, it didn't look good to her.

When I did see my mother, she was elated to see me. I can see the hurt in her eyes, although happy to see me, already thinking about the next time she will be able to. I am always happy to see her. To know she is okay. It's hard, and often times I would get upset by comments she would make, things she would do, or the ways she was living around the house. She moved to a condo closer to me in Waukesha to help with the distance, and at that point I was able to visit more. However the more I visited, the more I saw just how unstable her mind was becoming. I witnessed mirrors being covered, lights covered, windows, many things that would suggest she thought she was being watched. I also heard the comments of her thinking everyone in the family was messing with her things, or out to get her. When we went in public she would think she recognized people, or think that people were staring. It was hard for me to deal with, and I would argue at times, or ignore it. I basically tried anything I could do to make it "better" in my own mind.

As an only child, of divorced parents, it made it hard since I felt like I didn't have an outlet for all of this confusion. It felt a lot of the time, and sometimes still feels like I have the whole world resting on me to make it better. I found it really hard to stay strong sometimes when things were at their peak.

Other times it wasn't so hard. Most of the time I can say yes, I've given this burden to God, and I trust in him to do what his will is through it. But I would be lying to say that that is always my view of it. There are times I'm angry, hurting, confused.

Chances are that you will feel like an outsider at times. Like you're totally alone. It might not be as drastic of a situation as this, it might be more so. At some point you will feel like there just isn't an answer. Like there is nothing you can do to make the situation better. Sometimes that might be true. Lately I have felt that with this situation with my mother.

What I really have been contemplating lately is that in reality, you ARE an outsider. You're one true REAL home is in heaven. As a Christian, you know in your heart that things aren't all right on earth now--life was not supposed to include crime, violence, hatred, power, lying, and cheating. Someday God will make everything right again and you will feel at home. In the meantime, keep your relationship with Jesus as top priority; only then will you have the proper perspective about the earth right now.

Currently, my mother has been living with family for the past year. She lost her job due to her mental state, and then went to live with family. (Before this they had been extremely close) However when my mom went to live with them, she quickly found herself unhappy. It's incredibly hard to see a woman that was so affectionate and loving towards her family to now not even want to hug her own mother. For some reason, she still trusts me, she still loves me. I don't want to ruin that, so I walk a fine line of how much I should try to make her seek help. I truly believe God is trying to use me to reach her, it's just a matter of me figuring out just how I'm supposed to do it.

My mother in the past few days left where she was living with family, and checked herself into a shelter near Delavan. She did this mainly because she felt she wasn't accepted for who she was. She couldn't live the way she was used to living. All the things she did around her house because of her state of mind, was no longer okay. This was hard for my family, her, and myself to deal with, and continues to be something heavy on our hearts.

We're trying to find a way to get her help, get her to want help, and to understand that she needs it. It is to the point where she almost has a negative view of God, because she thinks that all the bad things happening in her life are a form of punishment. She misconstrues the Bible because of her mental state, and it's been nearly impossible for me to reach her on that level.

My "answer" so far has to just been to try to love her, to love her with all that I have, and to not make her feel like I am trying to judge her for who she is. If I am being tested in anyway, or am supposed to learn anything from this in this... it definitely has been to really learn what it means to be a Christian. To act how a Christian should act. To be patient. To love when you don't agree, when you don't understand, and when you might even at times have a feeling of hatred in your heart.

The past week has really been the hardest time of my life so far in dealing with this issue. I found out from my grandmother a few days ago that my mother had checked herself into this shelter. What?! I almost dropped the phone when I heard this news. Yes it is good she is going to be around people maybe, but this place isn't for the mentally ill. I pray she will find some connections there however. She can stay at for up to 3 months while looking for a job. The group interaction may be good for her, as I do feel she needs more of that, but as a whole it just really broke my heart in knowing there was another obstacle and challenge to overcome now in getting her the help she needs.

I felt lost, alone, and just overall incredibly frustrated. However, today I took a step back, and analyzed the fact taht I again was looking at it from a "me" standpoint. This killed/kills me inside to even admit, but its a necessary thing to do, and I hope an eye opener for anyone that reads it.

My mother is suffering from Schizophrenia. Lost her husband, job, friends, condo, "normal" relationship with her daughter, family. She won't eat the food prepared by anyone else because she thinks they are putting stuff in it. (She still would trust me to do things like that for now, and I hope it continues to be that way) She thinks people are watching her, that family members are sick, when in fact it is herself. This woman who up until I was age 17 was full of life, warm words and feelings, creativity and love--now has had that all replaced with fear, anger, lonliness, isolation.

Yet still I'm worried about how "I" am going to reach her. How I am going to make her better. How I may have made her worse, but not being around as much as I should. She has ALL these things she is dealing with internally, whether she is aware of her illness or not, I'm still concerned with me, and how it effects me. My focus is my mother, and getting her better, don't get me wrong, but it really was an eye opener when I go upset about the whole situation this week.

Life is full of things that make us realize who we are, who we can be, who we should be. My life is a living example of the need to constantly re-evaluate, take a step back, and focus on others and our faith in God. Focus on what can be done "relationship wise" not what can be done to improve things for the person or ourselves.

Yes, I desire to find a way to reach my mother, make her come close to God again, heal her. But I've been looking in the wrong place. This isn't up to me. Its bigger than me. Bigger than my mother. Bigger than the Schizophrenia she is suffering from. I may be the way God decides to reach her, I may not. It might be one of my many friends that have reached out in this time of need, it might happen on its own time, in its own way. It might not happen at all. But I will continue to pray, continue to ask God what it is I can do, and to leave it up to Him.

We find out how strong our faith is when trouble comes. I've had my share. The real question is are we really ready and able to put your trust completely in Him? We can stay strong if we learn to look at these times as God's way of drawing us closer to him. We feel closest to God during times of trouble because that is when we will cling to him. He is always there, waiting to answer when we call to him. I ask for your continued prayers for my mother and our family. You all mean the world to me, and I thank you for all of your concern. Hopefully this sheds a bit more light on the situation for you.

Love you all,

Christina


What I've been reflecting on:

"If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work"- 2 Timothy 2:21

"If we endure hardship, we will reign with him. If we deny him, he will deny us." - 2 Timothy 2:12

" What blessings await you when people hate you and exclude you and mock you and curse you as evil because you follow the Son of Man." -Luke 6:22

Love note from Jesus

My Precious Friend,

I just wanted to let you know how much I love and care about you and how I greatly desire to become a meaningful part of your life. This morning when you awoke, I was already there with you in the light of My beautiful sunshine that filled your room. I was hoping that you would say "Good Morning" to Me; you didn't. So, I thought maybe it was just a little too early in the day for you to notice Me.

Again, I tried to get your attention when you stepped out of your door. I kissed your face with a soft gentle breeze. I breathed upon you my fragrant sweet breath scented with flowers. Then I sang you a love song through the birds in the trees. You just walked right past Me.

Later on in the day, I watched over you as you were talking with some of your friends. How I wished that you would talk to Me also. I waited and waited, but you just went along your way. This afternoon I sent you a refreshing shower and glistened to you from each rain drop. I even shouted to you a time or two with thunder trying to get your attention. Then, I painted you a lovely rainbow in the midst of my fluffy white clouds. I just knew you would see Me then, but you were unaware of my presence.

This evening to close your day, I sent you a beautiful sunset. After that, I hoped that you would see Me and wink back. You never did.

Tonight, when you went to bed, I spilled moonlight upon your face to let you know that I was there with you. I was hoping that you would talk to Me a little while before you went to sleep. You never said a word. It hurts Me deeply; however, I continued to watch over you all through the night thinking that, maybe, just maybe, you would say hello to Me in the morning.

Each and every day, I have revealed myself to you in many strange and wondrous ways hoping that you would accept Me as your Shepherd. For, I am the only One that can supply you with all your needs. My love for you is deeper than the deepest ocean and bigger than the great blue sky. I have so very much to give to you and also share with you. Please let Me hear from you soon.

Your loving friend forever,
Jesus

God's Love Note

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
to have a deep soul relationship with another,
to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God says to a Christian:
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled,
and content with being loved by Me alone.
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
with having an intense personal and living relationship
with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found.
Then you will be capable of the perfect human relationship
that I have planned for you.
You will never be completely united with another until
you are united with Me;
-exclusive of anyone or anything
-exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to have the best. PLEASE allow Me to give it to you.
I want you to stop planning and stop wishing and allow Me,
expecting the greatest things and listen and
learn the things I tell you.
You just wait-
That's all
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at things others have received or that
I've given them. Don't look at the things you THINK you want.
Just keep looking to Me or you'll miss what I am to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
far more wonderful than any you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one
I have is ready for you, (and I am working
even at this moment to have both of
you ready at the same time).
Until you are both satisfied exclusively
with me and the life that I have prepared for you,
you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me, and this is the PERFECT love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see me in the flesh a picture of your relationship
with Me and enjoy materially and concretely the
everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love.
Know that I love you.
I am God. Know it, and be satisfied!"

Some verses running through my mind and heart today

There's been lots going on for me the last month or so...lots of changes, lots of obstacles, and LOTS and LOTS of hurdles to overcome.

Some verses that have been helping me out tonight and regain some focus on my studies are the following. Thought I would share.

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.


Psalm 34:17-20

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.


Colossians 2:5
For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the firmness of your faith in Christ.

Matthew 18:19

Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

Luke 18:1

And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.


Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 John 2:27

But the anointing that you received from him abides in you, and you have no need that anyone should teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about everything, and is true, and is no lie—just as it has taught you, abide in him.

Genesis 31:49

And Mizpah, for he said, “The Lord watch between you and me, when we are out of one another's sight.

Matthew 5:39-41

But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.

Matthew 5:43-48

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Mark 9:41

For truly, I say to you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you belong to Christ will by no means lose his reward.

Matthew 25:34-40

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?


Matthew 19:19

Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”


1 Corinthians 13:1-13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful

I <3 New York

Today I worked on mounds and mounds of homework and work... (seems to be the case lately) however I did it in good spirits. I need a break from the homework, yet cant seem to tear myself away from the computer before my class starts.

I was blessed with the opportunity to go and visit a man who I've come to care about quite dearly this past weekend, and feel inclined to write about it. I was absolutely nervous going to visit. I was 90 percent excited, 5 percent nervous, 3 percent overwhelmed, and the last two percent was lost somewhere in the fear of flying.

However, from the moment I arrived in NY, I felt a sense of comfort. Even though I waited an hour in the airport for my ride to get there ( a few wrong turns and a necessary stop for a sombrero for a Halloween costume) I felt at ease even in the airport. I had this feeling of "everything is going to be just fine"

When Mike arrived, everything fell into place, and all those questions that were racing in my mind before that moment went away. I was instantly just as happy as I had been every moment leading up until my trip. I felt at ease, and just fell into conversation (as always) with this man that I can honestly say I feel was made just for me.

We got back home around 10pm, explored the house and area, took a brief "nap" on the couch and then decided to go to a Halloween party. We could have been doing anything and it would have been equally as fun.

The next day we went to his church where there was a wonderful message delivered on Ruth. A message that I am truly glad we heard that day. We visited a local farmers market, got some pumpkins and cider then headed off to Delmar. $3.00 for 2 ciders, and 2 pumpkins....and I got to pet a donkey...imagine that...:)

After that was lunch with the Bredderman's... where I felt even more at home. I felt welcomed, and really saw first hand why their son turned out so great.


We then visited Thatcher park, talked a bit about our weekend thus far, and explored the beautiful sights that the Albany area has to offer. This is also the park where our relationship "officially" started. We also took part in our own little photoshoot that I'm very happy about because they are photos I've been looking at pretty regularly since my departure.

Then it was time to meet some friends and watch the more than hyped up packer game. Although not a huge fan of sports, Mike found it in him to watch the entire thing :) Again, I felt instantly welcomed into the group, and felt completely comfortable with them. With him.

MY favorite part of the weekend is pretty hard to pinpoint as it was all very enjoyable and fun, but if I had to it would either be church or the night without sleep before I left. We didn't do much of anything. Enjoyed eachothers company, talked about each other, life, and listed to all different kinds of music just while laying there talking. This is something so simple, yet meant so very much.

We left Delmar around 3am, on the way to the airport so I could make my 6am flight. I wish the weekend could have been longer, but there is much more God has in store for our relationship, and I can't wait for the 13th :)

An adventure in Kalamazoo

So I decided to visit a friend Thursday through Saturday morning within the past couple weeks,and started my journey in the afternoon. I was pretty excited about this for multiple reasons. One, I was going to be able to jam out to tunes in my car for 4 hours plus. Two, I was going to get to spend some quality time with someone I like spending time with. Three, I was going to get to explore a new place I'd never been.

I arrived Thursday night, around 930 pm, where we decided to figure out what it was we were going to do the first night. We decided to go to a Italian restaurant for a few martinis and then over to a piano bar that had a pretty awesome atmosphere. On a side/random note...Matt Gerrard from American Idol was there. (This is where he is from and where he started playing) After leaving this place to head home, we had the brilliant idea of "breaking in to the football field" to run around on the field and play some football. Well the breaking in didn't really happen as the gate was left wide open, but we definitely fulfilled the rest of the mission.

The next day I went for a run, went to dinner at the place we had had drinks, and got to see a comedy show at the Allegan County Fair. So that one can have a clear visual...picture the Waukesha County Fair, add some rednecks, and insert a comedian. The show definitely was very funny, but had some major ups and downs. Jeff Dunham, the comedian, got a bad case of the giggles which definitely prolonged the show. After this we wandered around the fair, rode some rides, and decided to rent a movie.

If you haven't seen it... Last house on the Left... Don't bother. By far one of the worst movies I have ever seen... but the company was good :) The next day I was supposed to go to a wedding but that ended up not being the case. We did some more wandering, checked out some pre-game action of the Western Football game, and then watched Madagascar 2 before passing out. I wasn't feeling very well, so it turned out to be a much earlier night than it planned to be. Quite alright with me.

Sunday was my last day to be in the 'zoo and it was spent touring Western's campus and then lounging around the house watching the Packer game...and their heartbreaking loss. Now for the really interesting part of the story...

Sometime over the course of the weekend my checking account had some major errors going on, and it was the only thing I had for spending purposes after spending my cash over the weekend. This presents a problem when needing to come home and pay tolls, but I had enough gas, and enough for tolls etc... so I went on my merry way. I was still not feeling well and stopped to take some pain meds along the way. Well this apparently caused me to zone out, BADLY...and when I realized that I hadn't really been paying attention (there was a 100 mile stretch I had to drive anyways...I realized I had gone just that, an additional 100 in the wrong direction. So now I find myself lost in some random area of Indiana, where I barely have reception, have only cash for tolls, a non-working debit card, and after using all my toll cash for gas...enough to get me roughly to Chicago.

As one can imagine, I am upset, as well as sick... something that doesn't happen all too often for me. I prayed, and a few friends happened to call around this time so I was able to talk to them and kinda calm down. A friend in Milwaukee volunteered to come all the way to Chicago, meet me and fill up my tank, get me some cash for tolls, and most importantly feed me because I hadn't eaten since noon. (It was around midnight)

So I start my journey back towards Chicago, and am feeling much better about things, when I realize hey I have 3 tolls to pay before I get to Chicago. I have no money. The tolls do not have Ipass lanes if I wanted to even try to chance running through that, and basically I am seeming to be out of luck. Cue me being upset again now. I get to the first toll, and explain to the lady my whole situation...and she lets me pass. 4.25 toll, and didn't have to pay. Feeling better about it, and hoping the next two will be equally as understanding. Second toll comes along, same story... good to go. Then we get to the lovely state of Illinois. I come to the toll, tell the lady what is going on... and she proceeds to tell me she doesn't care and that if I can't pay the ticket she is going to call the police and I will get a ticket. It's late. I'm tired. Sick. Want to be home. In Bed. And am on the verge of tears. She suggests asking the person behind me. I think to myself... okay... I'm in Chicago... do I really want to even do that...and decide yea I guess so not wanting to prolong my night even more.

I hop out of my car middle of the freeway and am somewhat relieved to see a young couple behind my car. I explain the situation, and they paid my 3.00 toll. At this point I am beyond grateful, and thanked them the best a tired and ill 24 year woman could do given the circumstances. At this point my friend was also arriving in Chicago, and we decided to meet up at a Jewel Osco off Lake Street.

It took about an hour to find an open gas station, food, a bathroom, but after that we were on our way back home. Now the challenge would be staying awake. I talked to a few friends on the way home, as well as the one that came to pick me up. I can't even begin to thanks every person involved in getting me home last night. Long story short, I was incredibly stressed, not feeling the best, but extremely relieved to see the goodness in the hearts of those that helped. It meant a lot to me, and I really appreciated it.

Although the trip home was absolutely a mess, the weekend was far from that. I had an awesome time, and really enjoyed spending time with my friend. The good that came from the weekend more than triples the bad that came from the ride home. I just hope that next time I make the visit, the trip takes 4 hours instead of 9 :)

The Shack

I read The Shack this past month. It was a suggestion of a few close friends of mine. It was also small and a quick read amidst my already growing reading list and school work. After finishing it I could see why many would eagerly embrace the book. Young’s work was easy to follow, emotionally connecting, and strongly emphasized our relationship with God. However, with its strengths it also had weaknesses. Now to be sure, every book has both strong and weak points. However, the problem I had with The Shack was that in many ways, although a fiction book, misrepresented God.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the book, and made connections from the book. The book can enrich peoples' lives and even grow them spiritually I believe, however I feel that a person needs to have a pretty solid foundation before diving into this book. It could be a very dangerous thing to have a book – even a work of fiction – whose intention is to help people understand God, yet have him making statements which contradict what he already said in his Word.

Some VERY BRIEF examples…

1. On the God-forsakeness of the Cross

The Shack

God the father says of Jesus on the cross, “Regardless of what he felt at that moment, I never left him” (96).

The Bible

It seems to indicate that at some level, God the Father did “turn” from his Son as his wrath for sin was poured upon Jesus. Mark 15:34 reads, “And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, ‘Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?’ which means, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’

2. On God Punishing People

The Shack

Papa: “I don’t need to punish people for sin. Sin is its own punishment, devouring you from the inside. It’s not my purpose to punish it; it’s my joy to cure it. (122)”

The Bible

All one needs to do is look through the Bible to be clearly convinced that God has and will punish people for their sins. Romans 2:5-6, “But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God will give to each person according to what he has done.”

3. On God and Institutions

The Shack

Young’s book definitely has a distaste towards almost anything organized at a macro level. The church is no exception. Frequently, God in The Shack takes his hack at the idea of institutions.

Jesus: “I don’t create institutions – never have, never will. (178)”

The Bible

God created the institutions like marriage (cf., Gen. 1-3), government (cf., Rom. 13), and yes, even the church (cf., Mt. 16:18, Heb. 13:17)

4. On God Saving Everyone

The Shack

William Young has been exposed by those who know him as being a proponent of universal reconciliation, essentially the idea that Jesus will save everyone and no one will go to Hell.

Papa: “Forgiveness does not establish relationship. In Jesus, I have forgiven all humans for their sins against me, but only some choose relationship. … When Jesus forgave those who nailed him to the cross they were no longer in his debt, nor mine. In my relationship with those men, I will never bring up what they did, or shame them, or embarrass them. (224)”

In fact, a reader can easily get the sense that you don’t even have to be a Christian to enter into God’s Kingdom.

Jesus: “Those who love me come from every system that exists. They were Buddhists or Mormons, Baptists or Muslims… I have no desire to make them Christian, but I do want to join in their transformation into sons and daughters of my Papa, into brothers and sisters, into my Beloved (182).”

The Bible

It is clear that only those who believe in this lifetime have their sins forgiven through the work of Jesus on the Cross. Hebrews 9:27, “And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment.” This shows us that once you die there is no second chance with Jesus. And it is only through faith alone in Christ that forgiveness is procured. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

5. On Roles in the Godhead

The Shack

The Shack teaches that hierarchical roles are the result of sin. In fact one gets the feeling from the book that any form is unacceptable (husbands to wives, parents to children, and yes, God the Father to God the Son).

Sarayu: “Mackenzie, we have no concept of final authority among us, only unity. We are in a circle of relationship, not a chain of command or ‘great chain of being’ as your ancestors termed it. What you’re seeing here is relationship without any overlay of power. We don’t need power over the other because we are always looking out for the best. Hierarchy would make no sense among us. Actually, this is your problem, not ours. (122)”

The Bible

Not only do we see roles of leadership given in mankind (cf., Gen. 2; Eph. 5:22ff) but we see roles each member of the Trinity takes. For example, the Son submits to the Father. 1 Corinthians 15:28, “When all things are subjected to Him, then the Son Himself also will be subjected to the One who subjected all things to Him, so that God may be all in all.” 1 Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”

Okay, that’s just a sampling of some of the issues that arose for me in the book. I simply wanted to show that there is enough questionable content in this book to demonstrate this is more than just a nice read. It’s just fiction, not a theology book, however when most of the positive response I’ve heard about the book ironically revolves exactly around the fact that the it refreshingly presents God in a certain light. In other words, it teaches a theology to a certain extent.

I did enjoy the book, and really did like the story, I just would like to have people be informed a bit before reading.

My Special Place

There's a place located in Whitnall Park that offers a variety of beautiful sights and sounds one can experience on a beautiful day. 10 years ago, I happened upon this place that is located by the Root River Parkway, where I fell in love. It took some time, quite a bit to be honest, but it happened. I'd like to share this place with you all because it might touch home to any number of people. This is a place that I would go in the summer, spring, winter and fall to write, draw, photograph, paint, think, get away, etc. A place I claimed as "my own" never bringing friends with me (which is quite odd because I am always with friends)

It became a place I enjoyed visiting,experiencing the wildlife, breeze, flowers, and small waterfall. This waterfall grew to be an outlet for me when things were stressful.

There's really nothing overly special about this place. It's beautiful yes, but I can admit I've seen much more amazing sights in my day. However, it's special to me for one reason in particular. It's where I first truly started having a dialogue with God. It wasn't necessarily a good one. In fact you could say I was angry with him. My Aunt had been diagnosed with cancer that was inoperable, I had already witnessed numerous friends dying at a young age, my Grandfather passed away, and then ultimately my parents decided to get a divorce all before age 18.

I had grown up going to church. I went through the motions of course. I was confirmed in a Methodist Church, and understood the basics, but really never felt any real connection with God.

When I visited this place, I got into nature, submersed myself in it, and I couldn't help but feel his presence somewhat. In that, I felt comfort, but as I said, also anger, for all the "bad" things going on in my life. "Why would God let this happen?" I cried in this spot a great number of times, was happy, asked God to fix things, heal my heart, heal my families' hearts, and to provide me with a new sense of direction. Did he ever.

Around this time my aunt really started communicating with me about her church, and offering me Christian books, music, etc. I listened to it from time to time, read some of them, but still was feeling some disconnect. I wasn't denying God, I just wasn't feeling connected. I took one book in particular to this place near Root river, "The Purpose Driven Life," and began reading, reflecting, praying...for me. Not for everyone else this time, not to make things better in my life, but to truly know God. I wanted to feel I had a real relationship with him. Around this time, after the divorce, my Father had started attending Elmbrook church, and asked me to come with. I started coming, and enjoyed the services, and found out that a few of my friends also went there.

A good friend of mine asked me to come with to the Ave, a young adult ministry, and it was there, that I really started being pulled even closer to God. During this time, I also started going to my "spot" much more often. I wanted to really focus on what I was reading, what I wanted to say to God, what I wanted to sort out in my own mind. By reading on my own, I felt more confident in knowing who I really was, what I thought I should be, and in having faith that all things would work out for the best.

I then started going to Impact. A place where I could listen to worship music, talk with people, and listen to a message in a much more relaxed setting than your typical "sunday church service." From that point on my life will not ever be the same.

I was blessed to come a few years back to this twenty somethings ministry called Impact when Jason Webb was the pastor. I loved the music, the message, the people, and quickly found myself being connected with some great people. Each of these people has impacted me greatly, and each in their own way. Each one has been unique in the effect they have had on me, and each one equally important. Whether its been learning from their mistakes, mine, giving advice, pulling me in when I've strayed, or allowing me to pull them back in, getting advice, enjoying a coffee, dinner, laugh, cry, or hug...they all mean the world to me. I witnessed what it meant to be a Christian. I was even inspired to be rebaptized on my first Spring Retreat with a few others from Impact. I see on a daily basis from my friends that I have met through Impact, what it meant to be God's children...and that is truly when everything finally clicked.

All of this progression, my step to becoming a solid Christian, rooted from me finding a place where I could be one on one with God. When that first happened, as I said it wasn't friendly. I was angry. But I now see so much greatness from all of this, and from how he brought me close to Him.

Anyways, I wanted to share this place with all of you, and hope that you all have one of your own, and if not that you find one. Thank you for your friendship, and all you have done in my life, ragardless if you were aware of it or not. I Love you all.

Who am I?

Today I was able to go see the worship service for Impact at the State Fair with my father, and really enjoyed it. The topic today was on identity. The purpose was to really gain an understanding of who we are, where we come from, and what that truly means. It got me thinking about how often times we answer the question of "who we are" by the possessions that we own, the title of our job, where we live, our social class, our name, cultural background...any number of things besides the one that really counts... that we are Sons and Daughters of God.

What better description can you use to say who you are? No corvette (Although a very nice ride), Account Executive position (Although the pay is nice), or Famous last name (Alright, Timberlake or Braun would be pretty cool) compares to being created in his image, and yet all too often we forget it.

It's easy for us to turn the Bible into what we think is adequate for our own standard of living. To say hey, Jesus died for our sins, I'm in the clear. But the relationship that God wants with us is so much more powerful than just knowing his story. It's easy to shrug off the things we don't agree with sometimes (I know I am guilty of it all too often), but to live in his Likeness simply does not match up with that.

If we are created in God's image, should we not try to live each day in representation of that? I think so. If you're feeling as though your sense of identity is lost, and you don't know where you're going in life, it probably is... and you probably don't.

Try to take a look within, take some quiet time, listen, reflect, and try to grasp what it means to be created by the Father. You might start to see things a little clearer...you'd be surprised. I encourage you to spend some time with God. Talk to him.

Jim left us with a good statement to end service stating that we should live our lives each day in His image so that it is very evident who our maker is. Let's make sure that the things that we do in our lives are in representation of God. If someone was on the outside looking in, and saw the trees, birds, animals, plants, and humans... make sure they would be able to say that humans are undoubtedly God's children.

I was reminded of these lyrics to a Casting Crowns song after service today...

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I?
That the voice that calm the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am.
But because what of youve done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
You told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cuz I am yours.
I am yours.

Faith in Rough Times

The world is full of suffering. Each and every day, things go wrong, people die, crimes are committed. I often found myself questioning, how God can let so many things like this continue to happen over and over again. Why doesn't he stop them? The answer is, he will. God promises a world for us like that--heaven. This new Earth, as God originally intended it to be will be where we can be without pain. In the meantime we must deal with suffering, evil, and trust that God will bring good out of the bad things that happen in the world. I know from my own accounts, each and every "negative" thing that has happened in my life, has shaped and molded me into who I am today. Would I be motivated to get my masters had my mothers illness not happened? Probably not, and in turn I have molded a career path that would not have completely satisfied or utilized my skill sets into one that I can feel I am doing God's work. I now know that I should be in community counseling. Every obstacle in my life has pointed me in that direction. I need to be helping people--want to be helping people. I can look at the losses and gains that have come in my life, and each and every one of them has molded me as a person, shaped my faith, and drawn me closer to God. I could have gone either way with the life obstacles that have faced me. I could have been angry with God, I could have completely given up. However, God knows what we can handle, and he will not give us more than we can handle. If we try to look for the positive that can come out of the negative in the world, it's a much brighter world to live in.


" I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:1-2

Thoughts Around My Birthday

Grace, it has been said, means that God understands. And He does. He understands that life has a way of robbing our innocent belief that we can take the good parts for granted. We have serious concerns; we have aches and pains and problems that can rob our joy, if we let that happen. But with the temptation to be cynical and bitter comes a promised way of escape, a gracing that helps us see the best and chill out about the rest. It’s a choice.


What if, instead, we choose to let every candle on every birthday cake remind us of the added light of wisdom that grace brings? Why not toss a handful of confetti all over the living room in gratitude for the knowledge that every little bad thing doesn’t mean the world is ending, and every little wonder — a baby’s laugh, a box of dark chocolate malt balls, a shared moment of insight — can now be more fully experienced and appreciated?

I had the opportunity to have a fantastic birthday celebration on Monday. 75 of my friends, a brewers game, beautiful day- and all taking place on Memorial Day, which is special enough in itself. I enjoyed the day immensely. Talking with all my friends, some that I had not seen in a long time, and some that I did not even know were coming. Each of them brought a smile to my face throughout the day, most multiple times. I love them, the feeling is mutual, overall a great day.

However, I want to definitely add some were not there, they were missed, I wished they could be there...and some I even talked to on the phone while at the game. It was during that moment, in one conversation in particular that I started thinking about how important those relationships are, how much I care about them all, and where they all fit into my life. In my one conversation, my mood went from happy to overjoyed. Why? Because I was excited to hear from them. Because I knew they couldn't be a part of my day, but this was the closest it was going to get, and it was good enough for me. I've learned lately to appreciate the little things. A smile, a laugh, a certain tone in someone's voice. Little things that bring a smile to your face just because they are the ones in your life that you love.

The day wasn't special because of the food, drinks, or mass amounts of people. It was special to me because I saw each and every one of my friends having an amazing time. For a few hours I got to see them all interacting, meeting new people, and enjoying a beautiful day. So to those of you who made it, thank you for a special day...to those of you who couldn't you made and make me smile anyways, and I'm completely grateful for each and every one of you.

Made me smile this morning

(CNN) -- The pastor of a non-denominational church in Argyle, Texas, passed around the collection plate to his congregants earlier this year -- and asked them to take money from it.

Donations at the Cross Timbers Community Church had slumped because of the economic downturn. Pastor Toby Slough thought that his congregants had to be hurting, too.

His gesture, instead, was met with an unexpected response: The church had its highest offering ever.

It was a eureka moment for Slough: Give away money to those who need it, knowing his church members will help fill the need.

"In these economic times, we can't be so into church business that we forget what our business is, and that is to help people," Slough told CNN television affiliate KDAF in Dallas-Forth Worth, Texas.

In the past two months, the 9-year-old church has done just that: handed out a half-million dollars to members and non-members who are struggling.

"We've taken $200,000 and spread it out to organizations -- four local, two missions that are feeding and clothing people in these tough times," Slough said. "We've paid utility bills for members of our church that are unemployed or under-employed."

His favorite giveaway came three weeks ago. The church gave 1,400 families $50 each and told them to hand it out to someone else.

One of the recipients was Katie Lewis.

"I've been alone so long. Just to be thought of and to be remembered, to be welcomed -- it's amazing," she said, crying.

Church members are pleasantly surprised.

"You don't hear about a church giving money away," Amy Sullivan said.

Slough said he is not concerned if people try to take advantage of the church's generosity.

"I told my church a couple weeks ago, if I'm not being taken advantage of, I'm not being like Jesus," he said.

The church has now formed a group to look into the best ways to give out money. And, Slough said, it plans on doing so as long as there is a need in the community.







****


"I told my church a couple weeks ago, if I'm not being taken advantage of, I'm not being like Jesus,"

That was a powerful message I took from this article. Why is it so often we are caught up in our own lives, we forget to reach those around us. We all are having hard times right now, and we can all do small efforts to make great impacts in the lives around us. Let's walk around selflessly, give when we might not want to, and help when we might be tired. I guarantee you will be happy you did, and your energy will be restored. I know I myself have been trying to work on living my life more this way. It's a gradual change, but I'm getting closer. No one will ever be able to be as selfless as Jesus, but I most certainly am going to try.

Anticipation and Inspiration

The past few weeks have been great. Lots of friends, family, wedding celebrations and an actual decent amount of time to get caught up on life. Tonight I start my summer class, but am looking forward to this for some odd reason. (I've always liked school...yes, I know I'm a nerd :) ) This month has been flying by, and I will be turning 24 at the end of the month, exciting stuff I know. I've decided to join Spring Creeks choir come fall, and am extremely excited about that. Life in general has presented some opportunities and within the next month, I'm really eager to see how it all pans out.

First is with family. My family has grown so much closer over the past year. I am currently living with my cousin, which has been nice. Originally our plan was to live together until July, and then she would move in with her boyfriend, after a few discussions, we decided to extend our lease a bit, and I am happy about that. I think that is definitely in her best interest. We work opposite shifts, so we don't see eachother nearly enough, but when we do it's loads of fun. We are holding a jewelry party at our house this Wednesday... should be a fun time:)

Secondly, I am excited about the summer, and building upon relationships with good friends that will be going camping on a few different occasions. I have also been looking into a small group through another church because the location would work out nicely. Just trying to pray about it, and see where would be best for me to go.

Third, tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss at Ruekert Mielke, to see if my job will be turned into full-time with a promotion. I really like it there, so I am hoping it does. If not, I will also be excited to know that I can start looking for a new opportunity and new direction... but I do have high hopes it will go well:)

Lastly, I am very excited for my trip to Norway in June. I am going to visit someone close to my heart, and we have been talking lots lately and building a closer relationship. I can't wait to go, we will be exploring the surrounding countries, and since I have never been to Europe before I am excited on many levels. I'm also eager to see their smile and hear their laugh.... (it happens A LOT when we are in the same room :)

That's about it for now, but will be trying to make these posts a bit more frequent:)

Reflections of the Past Month

Well... my original plan was to keep up on this. I wanted to do some external processing on here, but just haven't found the time. So I will be catching up now.

Over the Month of April I was lucky enough to get back in touch with a few friends I hadn't seen in awhile. Good friends. Friends that make you want to be a better person, the ones that bring out the good in you. So I'm very thankful for that.

One experience in particular was seeing the Groundworks show in LaCrosse. They are a hip hop Christian band. Yes, you read correctly. It was amazing. Not only did I get to know a few people much better, I got to experience something great. Well actually a few things. I got to see God's love pouring out of the people performing. A particular conversation with one of the main lyricists, really impacted me. He was a phenomenal "rapper" if you will. However, this person could not stand being called just that, a rapper. He genuinely, and whole-heartedly wanted to be known for so much more. His love in Christ. It showed. He was. He also talked about how he was being obedient to God in performing. He wanted to be doing something else to reach people, but realizes he has a talent. If we all could only look at ourselves this way. What an inspiration.

Secondly, they performed at a church that was held in a school, something I was familiar with. I have attended brookflife a few times, and enjoyed my time in there as well. It's such a different experience. A different aura. Anyways, this experience was slightly different. We were in a room full of people who were still coming to the lord, have already come, and were completley unsure. This is probably true for most churches, but it was an urban church, a church with people with drug addictions, criminal records, people that well on a daily basis I don't get to spend much time with. I noticed the way in which the pastor spoke. Very loud. Incredibly loud. Shoulting if you will. However his message was great, the testimonials were great...and the most important thing I took out of the sermon...was his ending words. I am a believer in jesus, I can say I am a Christian, and I can definitely say I am attempting to live my life as a good one. However, he made note of the fact that we need to know what we are speaking, we need to be aware of what we are preaching. It's there where we fall short. This is 100 percent true. It's one of the areas I intend to work on.

The last few months was a very tough semester, taking 21 credits, working 2 jobs, being involved in sports and church... I couldn't find the time to think much less write my thoughts down. However as the semester came to an end, and all the final projects started piling up on eachother... I felt myself with an odd sense of tranquility. I realized that regardless how busy I am, how much I have on my plate, I'm relatively always happy about it. Why? I have God to give my burdens to. Each and every single time he prevails. I'm not strong enough on my own, but he gives me so much strength to do things I couldn't even imagine doing without him.

This week I start "just" working. No school for awhile. I will be involved on a few co-ed sports teams, and I'm excited to put some added effort in at my job the next two months. In July I find out if my position will be turned into a full time one. I really hope it does. The people there are great, and it's a wonderful company to work for, even in times like these.

I began reading a few books where I left off in the semester as my reading load was pretty intense. I will be finishing Sex God, How Can a Good God Let Bad things happen, and a few others. It's amazing how much more I enjoy reading when I don't HAVE to.

Something else that has been heavy on my mind is the possibility of taking a trip to
Europe, or the East Coast. It's an exciting thought, and I'm trying to make it happen, and for some various good causes. One, I feel I really need to get away, get into a new area and just re-evaluate the things in my life. We all need to do this sometimes. Two, I want to see a friend of mine, who lives over in Europe. I miss them very much. They are one of those people that when you see them all your troubles go away, and you light up like a child on Christmas. Amazing. And lastly, we will be planning to do some type of mission/volunteer work while we are on this trip. I'm extremely excited to do this, and to see an area I've never experienced before.

Lastly, I have a few friends and family over the last month that I have said a lot of prayers for. Some who are having financial troubles, health issues, have lost a parent or loved one, amongst many other hardships. As I write this, I can't help but say one more, one that I read awhile ago.

God, we thank you for the gift of your presence--
Christ who is your Word made flesh;
Christ who is the wisdom of God and the power of God.
We need your wisdom especially in these troubled times.
In the midst of turmoil and uncertainty, as financial institutions crumble,
And the very economic and social fabric of our lives is shaken,
Many of us are gripped by anxieties and fears,
With the clouds of recession over us, and worsening prospects ahead.
But surely, God, we as your children do not look to the horizon,
Desperately waiting for an economic savior to emerge.
Financial kingdoms, economic empires may come and go,
But throughout, God, you remain our stronghold and refuge.
Those who know your name will put their trust in you.
For you, O God, will not abandon those who seek you.
Right now, God, we seek your wisdom
To guide us where the way is confusing.
We have no better guide than you.

We pray for the countless numbers
Affected by the housing and credit market collapse
Not only in the US, but with ripple effects felt worldwide.
We pray for those who are made homeless, who are retrenched,
Whose life savings and finances have been wiped out.
We pray for those who have come to the end of their rope.
God, be merciful to all who have fallen by the wayside.
We remember and lift up our friends, loved ones, relatives,
Colleagues, business partners, and ourselves.
Especially help the weak and vulnerable, the elderly, the pensioners,
The retirees, and the widows--that they will have ready access
To social aid and not be encumbered by red tape.
Restore hope to those who have lost their livelihood and homes.
Grant peace and healing to families and couples
Whose relationships have been strained.

We pray for those who do not know you and have no one to turn to,
The many who have been driven to despair and even suicide.
Lord, in these troubled times, we pray for strength and resilience.
Cause your church, the Body of Christ, to be a beacon of light and hope.
Make us ready to stand alongside those who are
Weighted down by the pressure of living.
Enable us to bring your compassionate presence
Through the sharing of each other's burdens.

Christ, you are the light which darkness cannot overcome.
Indeed, darkness is not dark to you;
For the night is as bright as day.
Christ, be the light which dispels our darkness
And restore order to our inner chaos.
Deliver us from the darkness of our self-centered ways;
From greed, envy and ignorance;
From unrestrained passions;
From the darkness of despair, futility and despondency.

Christ, the wisdom of God
In our moments of anxiety and insecurity,
You are the voice of faith who proclaims, "Peace, be still."
In a culture of greed and mistrust, fill us with hope.
Despite the pain of loss and failure,
Let hope enable us to see God in all situations and events.
You are a God who is in control,
A God of all possibilities,
A God of new beginnings.
You are the voice of reason,
Who summons us back to sanity.
You remind us of our kingdom priorities;
Although we are in the world,
We are to transcend the ways of the world.
Help us to live wisely, with moderation and prudence,
To exercise discernment and sound judgment,
And conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of our calling.

God, enable us by your wisdom to keep things in perspective.
For, God, you are bigger than the problems we face each day.
We remember your mercy and faithfulness.
Through your counsel and encouragement,
You have enabled us to overcome the many setbacks and adversities of life.
We continue now, to trust in your goodness and provision.
For you are a God who hears, answers, and acts on our behalf,
Out of the abundance of your eternal love.
We trust you in your grace and mercy to sustain us.

Thoughts around Easter

With Easter coming up I am reminded that sometimes we don't relate the story of the cross to our own lives. Yes, we think about the death of Jesus and how He died but we forget to find ourselves in the story. There are so many lessons that we can learn other than the gift of salvation. Although that is the most important, without that the others mean nothing. So I looked at the story and studied it with the intention of finding something that I had never seen before. I had never done that with the story of the cross. For me it was life changing.

There was a verse that stuck out to me. It says that Jesus cried out with a loud voice. There are only two times in all the accounts of the cross that the Bible says that Jesus cried out. The first is the verse that caught my attention. Jesus cries out "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" He again cries out right before He dies. Now I understand why as He felt His life go out of Him He cried out. But it was a little harder to understand why He would cry out when He was forsaken by God. Now don't get me wrong, if I thought that God had forsaken me I would cry out, but I thought surely Jesus knew that this was a part of His death. He knew so many other details. He knew what had to happen. He knew the punishment that He would receive. He had spent enough time in the temple being taught as well as teaching the prophecies that He would have known what was to come. Not to mention the time He spent with His Father, God Himself.

That is when it hit me. Or I should say that God reminded me of something that had happened in my own life. My mother. I've struggled with her really knowing the Lord, and trusting in him. She was a wonderful woman, just not completely living her life for God. Our family had gone through quite a lot during my high school years. Losing a good friend in a car accident, and what came next, my parents going though the divorce process, losing my grandfather, and having my aunt, her sister, continue to struggle through brain cancer. I stopped going to church even for a little, because I was angry with God, I couldn't understand why all this was happening... and I just wanted to "fix it".

I then was put in a very awkward position when my parents had decided to separate. Where was I going to go? We would be selling the house. My father was going to be moving out, and I'd stay with my mother for a while. However at this stage of my life...she had developed a mental illness we were unaware of to its full extent at the time. She developed paranoia, due to medicine, and it's side effects for joint pain, and now has further developed to what I now would like to say is schizophrenia. However when one refuses to get help-I can't be certain-at least not yet. I pray that this will work out in a positive way, and can see the positives that have come from all this suffering, however it's been a rough road.

There were times where my mother thought myself or my father was stealing form her, or hiding something from her. She would say, and still says hurtful things with complete unawareness. Complete disregard for my feelings. And complete assurance that she is right. I can't be angry with her; she doesn't know what is going on. But it hurts. I try to reach her in multiple ways, but it is frustrating. Anyways, my point is, I know what if feels like to have a parent "reject" you. A parent that has all the love in the world for you. A parent who could not be more proud of her daughter. And I can understand why Jesus would cry out when God had to reject him. There was a feeling that the whole world had come to an end for me at age 17. My mother, always a perfect ray of sunshine, and model mother, until around age 16, went through a huge transformation, due to medicine that she had been taking through joint pain. Medicine-what was supposed to help JOINT pain... now had led to the brokenness of a family, and the mental illnesses of my mother. The grief of that moment still stays with me today. Every day, I pray that something will click with her. I'm currently trying to bring her closer to the Lord, in hopes that things will improve for her, not me. I've found my light. Yes, I've witnessed some awful things in my life...but I can say now that I have grown immensely, and in turn have become a person so full of love, and compassion, that I can look at the situation from a different perspective. I started volunteering for the mental health association, among others...because I can't imagine how many people are dealing with similar situations and situations far harder than mine. It took awhile for me to forgive my mother for the ways she acted, things she said, and also to forgive God. I was young, and angry, but forgiveness is an awesome thing. The feeling of that moment will never go away, but neither will the miles that I gained in my heart and soul.

Jesus knew that His Father would not be able to be with Him as He took the sins of the world upon Him. Can you imagine the pain of the moment? If a parent has ever rejected you then you can. I know that in a small way I can. I think that sometimes we forget that Jesus was not only talking to God but He was talking to His Father. He cried out because His parent had forsaken Him. It was as painful to Him as it was when He felt His life leaving Him. What I cannot imagine is knowing that it is coming and still going through it. If I am being totally honest I cannot say with certainty that if I had known what was going to come out of my Mother's mouth during the ending years of high school till now, that I would have stayed as long there and gone through it. And yet Jesus knowing what was coming went to the cross and suffered the rejection of His Father. And He did it for me. He did it because He loves me. Because He knew that it was the only way for us to be together someday.

The lesson of the forgiveness of my sins will always be the most important thing to me. But learning more about the sacrifice that Jesus made for me on that cross, coming to know more about the grief that He suffered makes me appreciate it all the more. How could I ever look at it the same again? Like I said, for me it was life changing!

Excited for the year to come

So today I'm writing my first blog ever...so we shall she how this goes.

Things had been hectic and stressful at the end of last year, and beginning of this year. So much that at times...I'll admit it was to say the good outweighed the negative. However, things have been turning around, and I feel compelled to start writing about it.

Impact, a 20-somethings group I am involved in at Elmbrook church is something I truly enjoy attending. It's a place I can go for comfort, worship, friends, joy.... the list goes on and on. Because of work and various other things going on Wednesday nights I haven't been able to attend as often, but I'm hoping that will change soon.

However, Sundays have allowed me to start venturing to new churches to find one that I feel is right for me. So far I absolutely love the new church I have been attending, Spring Creek, and definitely can see myself becoming a member there. The pastor has excellent messages, and the worship team is amazing.

Work is going fantastic. I just recently took a part time job at Reukert Miekle, and it's great so far. I'm hoping to be full time by July.

My 2nd semester at Alverno is halfway done, and that boggles my mind. I'm halfway done to completing my second degree, and bachelors. Spring break is right around the corner.

I've been spending a lot more time with my dad, and really enjoying out close relationship as of lately. Now I just need to work on that same connection with my mother.

Softball starts soon, and I'm excited to start playing that again on Thursday nights for Paulies at Zablocki. We always have so much fun, and during the Summer I get to see a lot of the people like myself who are super busy during the semester.

The thing most occupying my mind however at the moment is my Independent Study course that will be going to Paraguay for a volunteer trip to help our professor with her non-profit. We are having a few different fundraisers including a fashion show, and a few various other parties. I also need to start saving money for the trip at the end of May. Speaking of, I can NOT believe I am going to be 24 at the end of May...yikes... time is FLYING.

Anyways, I have lots of work to get done ...and a puppy to play with... that's it for now:)