If you feel like the world is on your shoulders...

To all of you who mean so much to me,

I've been trying to think of a way to put all my thoughts and emotions into words the last few hours, but I decided I am just going to write and let it go where it goes.

We all like to do everything for ourselves. We like to be independent. Do our own shopping , maintain our families. We cruise down the streets in the cars we bought ourselves, put forth a great effort to perform well at our job, find a new one, finish that degree we have been hacking away at in college, maintain that "comfortable" middle to upper class status we all want, and we also fit in church when we can, or some of us that are luckier even fit in a small group or bible study.

In a sea of "to-do's," "should-dos," and "would-do's," I can't help but notice most of these things all revolve around the same thing. ourselves. I'm guilty of it, we all are. Some more than others... but the truth is that on any given day there is a whole lot of time spent on bettering ourselves, and a whole lot less time spent on bettering the lives of those around us... Sometimes even forgetting to do those things for the ones that closest to us.

What's been on my mind lately is everything but me. Family. Friends. Poverty. Crime. ALL the things that could be improved upon in the community...in this world. On any given day I would say I have a pretty good grasp of these things. I try to help where I can, and keep everything at a healthy balance. However within the past month or so that has been anything but possible.

Some of you know, and others don't about the situation with my mother. She is suffering from Schizophrenia. My parents were divorced around my senior year of high school, and we now come to find out that the main reason behind that was her illness. That alone was a tough thing to swallow knowing had she not gotten the illness, they would probably still be together. They split up because she thought things that were not true about myself,about my father. Thinking we were stealing from her, etc. It wasn't on such an extreme level at the time, but it was enough to send my parents relationship into divorce.

For some time, there was a huge separation between myself and my parents, and also between myself and God. I was angry, upset, disappointed. I look back on those days and realize that ultimately I was upset for me. Why would God let this happen to me. To her? To my family? What were my friends going to think? How was I going to finish school? Where was I going to live? Who was I going to live with? Why was I going to have to move out of the only house I can remember growing up in?

As time went on, the distance grew between my mother and I. I longed for a better relationship with her, but I just couldn't find it in me to forgive her for "breaking apart our family." I told her I did, I told myself I did, but I simply had not. I didn't understand what was going on. The truth is I was angry at God, at the disease, at the situation. Not her. My mother was receiving, and still is receiving maintenance money from my father because of her "depression" (what they called it at the time of divorce) She was put on some depression medication, however we later found out she was taking one too many pills each time she was supposed to take her dosage. This made her very tired, and she seemed to be very out of it. Considering people suffering from scizophrenia already don't trust many people, it didn't take her long to decide medicine was not good for her,and after that refused to talk to a doctor or take medication.

It was at this time, that my fathers relationship with me started to grow. He started regularly going to Elmbrook, joined a few small groups, and I am so glad he did. God reached my father on some awesome levels during this time. I was so worried about my father and how he was going to get by later on in age with his hearing issues. God answered that by letting my dad find comfort in him. My dad took on the role of the mother and the father. We started going to church regularly, and I got connected into a group of people my age within the church. This was the starting point of making some definite positive steps in the right direction. I'm so thankful to have a strong group I can turn to in times like these.

At this point, the things I was frustrated with began to change, it was less self centered and more family centered. Still not solely God centered however. I was upset, but in a different way. I wanted my parents to be happy. I wanted my mom to be with someone that could make her happy. I wanted by dad to move on, and find someone to be with. Considering his hearing issues, I was mainly focused on the fact that he was definitely going to need someone around when he is older to help him with those issues. Being the only child, and located about an hour plus away from my mother and her side of the family, I found it very difficult to make trips out to see her while working full time and going to college full time. I will admit though, the times I did had, the easier solution was to not make the trip. I was shielding my own heart at the expense of hers. The distance grew between my mom and I, and she grew to have some resentment towards me because of it. It's now a process of making her understand that I truly do love her, and want to be around her as much as possible. I am my mother's world. My parent's world. So for me not to make that effort, and for my mother to be looking at it from the perspective of someone who is also not in the right state of mind, it didn't look good to her.

When I did see my mother, she was elated to see me. I can see the hurt in her eyes, although happy to see me, already thinking about the next time she will be able to. I am always happy to see her. To know she is okay. It's hard, and often times I would get upset by comments she would make, things she would do, or the ways she was living around the house. She moved to a condo closer to me in Waukesha to help with the distance, and at that point I was able to visit more. However the more I visited, the more I saw just how unstable her mind was becoming. I witnessed mirrors being covered, lights covered, windows, many things that would suggest she thought she was being watched. I also heard the comments of her thinking everyone in the family was messing with her things, or out to get her. When we went in public she would think she recognized people, or think that people were staring. It was hard for me to deal with, and I would argue at times, or ignore it. I basically tried anything I could do to make it "better" in my own mind.

As an only child, of divorced parents, it made it hard since I felt like I didn't have an outlet for all of this confusion. It felt a lot of the time, and sometimes still feels like I have the whole world resting on me to make it better. I found it really hard to stay strong sometimes when things were at their peak.

Other times it wasn't so hard. Most of the time I can say yes, I've given this burden to God, and I trust in him to do what his will is through it. But I would be lying to say that that is always my view of it. There are times I'm angry, hurting, confused.

Chances are that you will feel like an outsider at times. Like you're totally alone. It might not be as drastic of a situation as this, it might be more so. At some point you will feel like there just isn't an answer. Like there is nothing you can do to make the situation better. Sometimes that might be true. Lately I have felt that with this situation with my mother.

What I really have been contemplating lately is that in reality, you ARE an outsider. You're one true REAL home is in heaven. As a Christian, you know in your heart that things aren't all right on earth now--life was not supposed to include crime, violence, hatred, power, lying, and cheating. Someday God will make everything right again and you will feel at home. In the meantime, keep your relationship with Jesus as top priority; only then will you have the proper perspective about the earth right now.

Currently, my mother has been living with family for the past year. She lost her job due to her mental state, and then went to live with family. (Before this they had been extremely close) However when my mom went to live with them, she quickly found herself unhappy. It's incredibly hard to see a woman that was so affectionate and loving towards her family to now not even want to hug her own mother. For some reason, she still trusts me, she still loves me. I don't want to ruin that, so I walk a fine line of how much I should try to make her seek help. I truly believe God is trying to use me to reach her, it's just a matter of me figuring out just how I'm supposed to do it.

My mother in the past few days left where she was living with family, and checked herself into a shelter near Delavan. She did this mainly because she felt she wasn't accepted for who she was. She couldn't live the way she was used to living. All the things she did around her house because of her state of mind, was no longer okay. This was hard for my family, her, and myself to deal with, and continues to be something heavy on our hearts.

We're trying to find a way to get her help, get her to want help, and to understand that she needs it. It is to the point where she almost has a negative view of God, because she thinks that all the bad things happening in her life are a form of punishment. She misconstrues the Bible because of her mental state, and it's been nearly impossible for me to reach her on that level.

My "answer" so far has to just been to try to love her, to love her with all that I have, and to not make her feel like I am trying to judge her for who she is. If I am being tested in anyway, or am supposed to learn anything from this in this... it definitely has been to really learn what it means to be a Christian. To act how a Christian should act. To be patient. To love when you don't agree, when you don't understand, and when you might even at times have a feeling of hatred in your heart.

The past week has really been the hardest time of my life so far in dealing with this issue. I found out from my grandmother a few days ago that my mother had checked herself into this shelter. What?! I almost dropped the phone when I heard this news. Yes it is good she is going to be around people maybe, but this place isn't for the mentally ill. I pray she will find some connections there however. She can stay at for up to 3 months while looking for a job. The group interaction may be good for her, as I do feel she needs more of that, but as a whole it just really broke my heart in knowing there was another obstacle and challenge to overcome now in getting her the help she needs.

I felt lost, alone, and just overall incredibly frustrated. However, today I took a step back, and analyzed the fact taht I again was looking at it from a "me" standpoint. This killed/kills me inside to even admit, but its a necessary thing to do, and I hope an eye opener for anyone that reads it.

My mother is suffering from Schizophrenia. Lost her husband, job, friends, condo, "normal" relationship with her daughter, family. She won't eat the food prepared by anyone else because she thinks they are putting stuff in it. (She still would trust me to do things like that for now, and I hope it continues to be that way) She thinks people are watching her, that family members are sick, when in fact it is herself. This woman who up until I was age 17 was full of life, warm words and feelings, creativity and love--now has had that all replaced with fear, anger, lonliness, isolation.

Yet still I'm worried about how "I" am going to reach her. How I am going to make her better. How I may have made her worse, but not being around as much as I should. She has ALL these things she is dealing with internally, whether she is aware of her illness or not, I'm still concerned with me, and how it effects me. My focus is my mother, and getting her better, don't get me wrong, but it really was an eye opener when I go upset about the whole situation this week.

Life is full of things that make us realize who we are, who we can be, who we should be. My life is a living example of the need to constantly re-evaluate, take a step back, and focus on others and our faith in God. Focus on what can be done "relationship wise" not what can be done to improve things for the person or ourselves.

Yes, I desire to find a way to reach my mother, make her come close to God again, heal her. But I've been looking in the wrong place. This isn't up to me. Its bigger than me. Bigger than my mother. Bigger than the Schizophrenia she is suffering from. I may be the way God decides to reach her, I may not. It might be one of my many friends that have reached out in this time of need, it might happen on its own time, in its own way. It might not happen at all. But I will continue to pray, continue to ask God what it is I can do, and to leave it up to Him.

We find out how strong our faith is when trouble comes. I've had my share. The real question is are we really ready and able to put your trust completely in Him? We can stay strong if we learn to look at these times as God's way of drawing us closer to him. We feel closest to God during times of trouble because that is when we will cling to him. He is always there, waiting to answer when we call to him. I ask for your continued prayers for my mother and our family. You all mean the world to me, and I thank you for all of your concern. Hopefully this sheds a bit more light on the situation for you.

Love you all,

Christina


What I've been reflecting on:

"If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work"- 2 Timothy 2:21

"If we endure hardship, we will reign with him. If we deny him, he will deny us." - 2 Timothy 2:12

" What blessings await you when people hate you and exclude you and mock you and curse you as evil because you follow the Son of Man." -Luke 6:22